Jokes, Fibbies, and Lies

How giving my kids (ages 3, 6, & 9) levels to their un-truths has helped cut down on lying.

If there’s one thing I REALLY DISLIKE it’s lying. I hate it. Especially because so many people lie about silly things and I really don’t want my kids to grow up to be sneaky liars.

I didn’t realize how much this triggered me until I had kids. Having kids has really opened my eyes to how much trauma I have from my childhood- especially because I got pregnant before I knew what childhood trauma looked like, and I had no idea I had lasting damage to unpack. (Which checks because nine years later I was diagnosed with CPTSD.)

Did you know developmentally kids can learn to lie around the age of 3? Before I typed that out, I got anxiety thinking of the responses I know I’d get from people that still think their kids are their property with no bodily autonomy…

1. “That’s because kids are manipulators”

2. “Well that’s because kids are vindictive little shits”

3. “That’s exactly why you gotta spank it out of them so they learn to tell the truth”

The list could go on and if you really need more examples, just check out a facebook comment section on the same topic. 🤮

Anyway, for me when I read that, it told me is it’s time to give my kids different options when they’re telling me something. That’s where jokes, fibbies, and lies come in-

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What are jokes, fibbies, and lies?

1. Jokes: something you’re telling others to be funny. (But in the context of this topic, it’s got an element of “lying” to it)

2. Fibbies: this comes from my upbringing where my mom would ask me if I was “fibbing.” A fib is like an unimportant lie- like a white lie- and “fibbies” is just cuter to me and more morally neutral- when she said it, it was in place of lying.

3. Lies: being deliberately untruthful or deceitful- getting people to believe what you’re saying when you know it’s not true

Fibbies and Lies are veerrryyyy close by definition, but I turned fibbies into a hybrid between fibs and story telling.

Let’s get into examples of each:

1. Jokes: *someone obviously burps and blames it on someone else*

   1. It’s lighthearted and silly

   2. Technically still a sort of lie because the burping person is blaming it on someone who didn’t do it.

      1. One of my kid’s had asked me once why it was okay for me to burp and say “middlest why’d you burp?! Gosh!” when it was still kind of lying. So this was how I got him to see why this wasn’t considered an outright lie, more like fibbies, but silly- although he is more than okay to say he doesn’t like if someone blames him for something, even if it’s a joke. A joke isn’t a joke if the subject isn’t having fun with it.

2. Fibbies: *I want this food for lunch* but then doesn’t eat it and says they don’t actually like it once it’s made

   1. It’s like a white lie- a fibbie

   2. Not drastic enough to be considered an outright “lie”

      1. To me, accusing someone of lying is such a deep hit, and not everything is deserving of the red mark of a lie

      2. I use “fibbies” the most because I don’t think most things don’t need something deeply accusatory

   3. When my kids change their minds on what food they want, instead of telling me during the process that they want something else, they’ll sometimes say “I don’t like that food”

      1. Which isn’t true. They do like it. They just don’t want it anymore

   4. In this situation instead of saying “Don’t lie to me by saying you don’t like it when I know that you do,” I’ll just say something along the lines of “are you telling fibbies? Because you don’t have to tell fibbies if you don’t want to eat it anymore. Just tell me you don’t want it and try to let me know sooner the next time you change your mind”

   5. Fibbies also have a lot to do with kid’s still not being developmentally up to par when trying to problem solve certain things and so they jump to a fibbie instead

   6. I use these situations to help them learn how to ask for help or talk about whatever it is they’re telling fibbies about so that they don’t have to tell a fibbie next time.

3. Lies: *hit’s a sibling and says it was another sibling that did it*

   1. Deliberately untruthful

   2. Sometimes something that’s hurtful to others

      1. To hurt them emotionally

      2. For their consequence to possibly hurt the innocent one

   3. Sometimes done with some sort of fear attached to it

      1. Fear of the consequence of their actions

         1. This is where you have to ask a “why”

            1. Why were they scared of the consequence? Do your consequences match the incident? Are you tacking on a lot of unrelated punishments? Lessons don’t have to be learned with punishments that only match your anger or frustrations.

   4. Sometimes used in the form of cheating to better themselves

   5. For me, lies are sneaky and are usually caused by them feeling like they need to be sneaky

      1. I try to combat this by making sure my kids know that if they lie, that’s what is going to get them in trouble- but if they tell me the truth they wont get in trouble (within reason, obviously certain things need some sort of consequence, but even then, I’m big on natural consequences in this house- essentially, all consequences are related to the lie or problem)

Being able to ask my kids if they’re telling a fibbie has helped TREMENDOUSLY. It’s not as accusatory as insinuating or asking if they’re lying. Whenever my parents accused me of lying it felt like I had “liar” branded on my forehead with the amount of guilt they’d make me feel- All without even attempting to understand the “why” if I actually felt the need to lie at that time.

• Ultimately this ended with me never feeling safe enough to talk to them about anything. I was supposed to be obedient.

I want my kids to know that if they do lie, I’ll be here to help them through whatever it is that’s caused them to be dishonest.

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Once I noticed the fibbies starting I would feel SO ANGRY. This was before I’d really come to understand childhood development and not follow how my parents parented me- which means I would get soooo triggered by the fibbies.

1. “Why don’t they trust me to tell me the truth?”

2. “Why are they lying about stupid shit”

3. “Are they always going to lie?!”

4. “WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME?! TELL THE TRUTH!”

5. “NO ONE BELIEVES A LIAR”

The internal and external responses would usually be along those lines. I came from a yelling household and at the time of my first two- I was still a bit of a yeller. I didn’t realize that it was possible to live in a home without yelling. I thought it was the standard.

But what did yelling do when I was a child? It made me scared to tell them the truth because I KNEW the consequence would be an ass whoopin or a slap in the face depending on my age on top of whatever crap they could pile on top- they were big on excessive grounding- even if it had nothing to do with the lie or incident. Ultimately this route made me such a sneaky bitch when I needed to be. If couldn’t trust my parents to ask me why or help me if I had a problem, why should I be honest?

My kids are young and all I want is to lay the groundwork and stepping stones to help them understand why lying suuuuuccckkkksss ass and shouldn’t be the first option. I also need them to know that in our home, I’m someone they can trust no matter what they need to come to me about. Making mistakes is apart of growing up! It’s when you gain problem solving skills to be able to execute them better as an adult. It’s my job to guide them through this- not punish.

It’s also been a great way for the boys to grasp that people wont believe you if tell too many fibbies or lies, which then helps lead into the boy who cried wolf-

The BEST is when you have a real life boy who cried wolf situation so they get that natural consequence of not being believed. (It doesn’t need to be a HUGE lie or big deal, but something that gives a real life example for them to personally grasp the feelings of the consequences. It feels shitty when people don’t believe you and as much as I don’t want my kids feeling any sort of pain, natural consequences really are the best way to go about this.)

Differentiating jokes, fibbies, and lies has really helped my kids grasp the differences.

I can also still hear the boomers (& co) say this breakdown is still why we have so many disrespectful kids and they need to be whooped into truth tellers or whatever fuckin crap they believe-

• First, shut the fuck up with that already. It’s 2024

• It’s already been scientifically proven that physical discipline does nothing outside of mental trauma (cptsd👀) and it can cause anger processing issues later- like wall punching or domestic abuse.

  • Like really y’all, how is teaching kids emotional intelligence a bad thing? Especially with me having three little dudes(unless they let me know differently down the road) who need to be able to process emotions instead of beating something or someone.

• Overreactions (physical and sometimes yelling) can create sneaky kids later on down the road

  • Not to say yelling is the end all that makes you a POS. I still raise my voice, but NOW it’s in a “cranky” manner when I do, and not as a power move (which I’d love to touch on in later post on because the peace from not yelling much has done wonders and you deserve that peace too)

    • I really really really want to reiterate that yall know I’m not parent shaming yellers because I was one! I just want to make sure you know that if you’re tired of it, there really is hope through the fire.

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I LOVE laying down stepping stones for my kids that’ll lead to larger conversations so they’re not randomly bombarded by all of these HUGE topics down the road.

My favorite is now that we’ve got these words going, my middlest will ask “are you telling a fibbie?” when he’s not sure if what I’m telling him is the truth- like the one time I told him how large dinosaurs were compared to him.

Parenting is hard as fuck, but I’ve spent a lot of time trying to unlearn a majority of what I’ve learned growing up. It’s been difficult and exhausting, but I’m 9 years in and it’s gotten so much better- which has changed the atmosphere of the house is healthy.

The random squabbles occur and my kids are kids, but they’re a million steps ahead of where I was at that age. I KNOW it’s because of the work I’ve done & continue to do- to be better for them than my parents were for me. Which feels so big headed to say out loud, but I’d be silly to not admit that my changes are making a difference.

ANYWAY- I’ve gone on long enough. I hope this helps you pick a path when handling the un-truths in your home! AND PLEASE REMEMBER- You’re playing the LONG GAME as a parent. You’re not going to notice immediate change the second you start changing something or teaching something, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. They’ll show they’ve been listening down the road, even if they don’t make it obvious in the moment.

Let me know if you have questions, and don’t forget to subscribe for more! 🥰

Warmly,

Ollie Rose

Photo by Yucel Moran on Unsplash